Friday, October 15, 2004

Jon Stewart on Crossfire

Watch the smartest funniest man on television get all up in Tucker Carlson and Paul Begala's ass on live television right here.

Thursday, October 14, 2004

A round of applause for De La Soul

While people like Talib Kweli and Mos Def have released sexier, more eagerly anticipated albums recently--And no doubt, I was at the record store the minute both those albums dropped. And that's after I'd downloaded both of them weeks ago.--the new De La Soul album is the one I can't take out of the CD player. The Grind Date is the newest in a long line of top notch efforts by the cats from L.I. Guess what guys? You can be a grown man and still MC. De La has shown you the way. These cats are older than me, and they don't sound dated or corny at all. And they also aren't talking about the same things they were talking about when they were 17 years old. Do you hear me Mr. Cool J? Not that I needed another reason to love Posdnous, but it doesn't hurt when he drops lines like: "My moms died from second hand smoke. So I wish you ass would die from them second hand rhymes you wrote."

Speaking of Mos Def, is there a cooler human being on the planet right now. Devistating MC who's respected in the hard core hip hop community? Check. Commercially successful actor who's performed on Broadway and managed to outshine both his co-star and the actor he replaced--One named Don Cheadle, the other Jeffrey Wright--? Check. Rock star? Check. I've heard and read a lot of criticisms of The New Danger, but all I'm hearing is some really good music. Mos seems determined to take rock & roll back from white people.

Talib Kweli was able to find an excellent balance between commercialism and underground credibility on this last album. On The Beautiful Struggle, it seems like he's trying just a little too hard to recreate that sound. I like the album, but it just feels a little forced.

Now if these guys would just bring their asses to Tucson.

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

How to behave in a movie theater

1. Shut the fuck up. No, seriously…shut the fuck up. As soon as you walk into the theater, no matter how early you are, you should lower your voice to a whisper. As a matter of fact, that goes for anytime you enter an enclosed public space.

2. Don’t you dare sit in front of me, unless you have to. Don’t be that jackass that stands there and surveys an entire empty theater and then decides to come sit right in front of me. I will get up, walk to the row in front of you, and return the favor. I’m THAT petty.

3. If you’re going to be getting up and down a lot, sit your silly ass on the aisle.

4. Keep your comments to yourself. Don’t yell out anything at the screen if there’s a horrible trailer on. We all know it looks bad, we don’t need you to add your commentary. Chances are your lame comment is still much worse than anything being uttered in the trailer for “Chill Factor”.

5. Shut the fuck up. It’s worth repeating.

6. You can save seats if you want to, but if I come in the theater and it’s the only seat left, I’m sitting my black ass down. Especially if you’re white.

7. No, I’m not going to scoot over so you and your friend can sit next to each other. Maybe if it’s the absolute last seat in the theater, otherwise your ass should have gotten there earlier.

8. Leave your baby at home. If you can’t get a babysitter, then you need to get pay per view.

9. If you’re sitting behind someone and feel you must put your feet on the seat in front of you, at least have the common courtesy to hold your position. Don’t keep re-adjusting your feet or kicking the seat in front of you. This may surprise you, but the people in front of you can actually feel that.

10. Teenagers. Unless you are in my immediate family, I hate you already. Don’t give me any more ammunition. If you want to giggle, throw shit, talk loud, and just make a nuisance of yourself, go hang out at the food court in the mall. And pull up your pants.

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Rock Star Trumps Everything

Rock Star trumps everything. By that I mean that rock star is far and way the coolest, most enviable profession that you possibly have. That’s the thesis. But it’s more than that. It’s not just a theory, it’s the truth. It’s gospel. It’s irrefutable. Go ahead and rack your brains thinking of something, anything that can compare. I’ll wait.

See? Told you. Rock star trumps everything. No matter how good you are at what you do. No matter how popular you are, no matter how successful you are, no matter how much money you have, somewhere there’s a decent bass player in a moderately successful indie rock group…and he’s cooler than you. Now, in order to put rock star ahead of everything, you have to examine the other careers. Honestly, there are only a handful of professions that are even worthy of comparison. So, let’s take a look at some of the other possibilities.

Professional Athlete
Definitely a contender. Every heterosexual man—and some homosexual—have at least one sports fantasy. If you don’t, you’re technically not a man. And I mean that. I absolutely do not trust a man that doesn’t enjoy and follow at least one sport. I know that a lot of women may not understand this position, so I’ll try and help you relate. A man who doesn’t like sports is like a woman who doesn’t…have a vagina. Understand now? I, for one, have enough sports fantasies for me and a few other men. Let’s just say that if Kobe Bryant ever decides to leave Los Angeles, there’s a certain 5’11”, 31-year-old, non-jumping shooting guard out of Wake Forest University who would be more than happy to take his place. And I’ll be a real sport and play for half his salary. Not only will I play shooting guard, I’ll spend a few weeks at Pima Community College, get a certificate and bingo…you’ve got yourself a team acupuncturist.

There is one big problem with being a professional athlete. No matter how good you are, eventually you’re going to end up on the short end of the stick. If you’re a rock star, you never lose. You can have a bad show. You can put out a bad album. But you don’t lose. There is no quantitative determination off your success or failure. If you’re not a commercial success, you can say that your music is too serious and intellectual for the masses. If you sell a lot of albums, but aren’t taken seriously by critics and music snobs, you can say that they’re just high-minded, bourgeois posers who aren’t in touch with the common man. As an athlete, every time you take the field or the court you can possibly lose and lose horribly. You can get booed. You can get jeered. You can get injured. One bad mistake can ruin your entire career. Just ask Bill Buckner.

Also, at the end of an athlete’s season you can sit down and examine statistically just how good, or bad they were that year. You can’t do that for a rock star. I wish you could. There’s nothing that I would love more than to be able to prove, mathematically, to fans of the band Coldplay that they’re just rip off artists. And to finally convince white people that Eminem isn’t the greatest rapper of all time, he’s just the whitest rapper of all time. He’s also misogynistic and violently homophobic, but for some reason white people don’t want to hear that either. And you can tell little Marshall Mathers I said that.

Probably a close second. First of all the access to top quality actress pussy alone makes this a career choice worth considering. Actors don’t even have to pretend to be married to unattractive women. Just watch television. The only way Leah Remini would even be in the same room with a fat ass like Kevin James is if you pay her 30 grand a week, tape record their interactions, and call it King of Queens. The problem with being an actor is that when you’re a nobody—either a working actor who no one has ever heard of, or an actor who’s yet to get work—you’re just that…a nobody. As a rock star, just being in an actual band and being able to play an instrument is enough to get you laid. A lot. You can sit around and talk about the kind of music that you play, and who your influences are and sound really impressive. No one wants to hear some half-assed actor talk about how much he wants to be the next Jack Lemmon.

Russell Crowe is just about as big as an actor can get. Is he content with being an amazingly talented performer and a box office superstar? Nope. Guess what he does in his spare time? That’s right, he runs around the world fronting his own rock group called 30 Odd Foot of Grunts. This little bit of trivia spawned another essay of mine titled, That’s The Worst Fucking Band Name Ever.

They say that power is sexy, and this is one of the most powerful jobs you can have. But let’s be honest, this country hasn’t seen a really cool politician since the Kennedy’s were killed. Bill Clinton was the hippest president we’ve had since then, and he’s married to a dowdy, dull, unattractive woman. He was so desperate and horny that he cheated on her with a dowdy, dull, unattractive intern. Not cool. If you’re a rock star, I don’t care how decrepit and scary-looking you get, there is always a freakishly attractive twenty-year-old who’s willing to be your personal love slave as long as there’s a state fair or an Indian casino in need of some classic rock entertainment on a Thursday night. And when Clinton was first campaigning and wanted to make himself appeal to a younger demographic, what did he do? He picked up a saxophone and went on The Arsenio Hall Show. Instant rock star politician. Next thing you know, hail to the chief.

I know exactly what you tote bag carrying, reading, alternative theater supporting sheep are thinking right now. What about Barak Obama? What about him? Every liberal who’s nipples got hard during that speech would trample Barak Obama and scramble over his lifeless corpse just to have their picture taken with Lenny Kravitz. Believe that.

High School Vice Principal
Just kidding. The shoes they wear alone put these guys out of the running. Sorry Mr. Bunch.

Porn Star
Wow. Finally, we have a worthy challenger. Male porn stars—And why is everyone in the adult film industry automatically a star? Aren’t there any character actors in porn?—get paid to have lots of sex with beautiful, slutty women of all ethnicities. Women who say things like, “Yeah. Cum all over me.” And actually mean it! Sounds like a dream job right? Ever wonder why you see the same four or five guys in porno movies over and over again? It’s because there are only a handful of men who’s dicks can stand up to the daily grind of pounding poontang after poontang for hours a day. If you do anything too much, it starts to feel like work. Even sex. Besides, who gets to bang more hot chicks than rock stars? That’s right. Nobody. And if for some reason you don’t feel like having sex, you can just throw a tantrum. Once you start screaming about about how no one understands you and “you’re all just leeches sucking the blood right out of me” and kick everyone out of the hotel suite they’ll mark it up to creative eccentricity. Also, rock stars can ejaculate when and where they damn well please. Not on some director’s cue thank you very much.

At this point, I could treat this like a town hall forum and open up the floor for questions. “But Nick, what about marine biologist?” Shit like that. But trust me folks, I’ve spent hours investigating and researching other jobs, and those are the only ones that even come close. This is probably the only inherently unique and fundamentally correct thought that I’ve ever had in my entire life. So, even if I am wrong, do you really want to ruin my night?

Monday, October 11, 2004


"And you wanna be my latex salesman."
Jerry Seinfeld
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